I found some analogies that were originally found in some high school students' papers. If you ask me, they should hire these kids to write a sitcom. Anything would be better than "Deal or No Deal." Except perhaps "Show Me The Money." Ugh… William Shatner is now officially a Shatner impersonator, and shitty one at that.

Anyway, here are the highlights...

My favorite - He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.